biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

[phil]

got any good bike orientated jokes??..post them here..
(on behalf of the moderators lets keep it clean eh.)

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of some thing that would honor and glorify me." The biker thought about it for some time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong, an how I can make a woman truly happy!" The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


Three Bikers, a Honda Rider, a BMW Rider and a Harley Rider were sitting in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a continuing beeping sound.
The Honda Rider pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager, “he said, “I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm.”
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The BMW Rider lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand.”
The Harley Rider felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Harley Rider finally declared… “Well, will you look at that, I’m getting a fax!”



A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up acouple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told himshe was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says, "Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."



Motorcycle wisdom of the road
• Midnight bugs taste best.
• Saddlebags can never hold everything you want, but they CAN hold everything you need.
• Home is where your bike sits still long enough to leave a few drops of oil on the ground.
• The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rearview mirror.
• Bikes don't leak oil, they mark their territory.
• Never mistake horsepower for staying power.
• If you don't ride in the rain - you don't ride.
• A bike on the road is worth two in the shed.
• Young riders pick a destination and go. . . Old riders pick a direction and go.
• A good mechanic will let you watch without charging you for it.
• Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to stop for the night.
• Winter is Nature's way of telling you to polish your bike.
• Well-trained reflexes are quicker than luck.
• The best alarm clock is sunshine on chrome.
• A friend is someone who'll get out of bed at 2 am to drive his pickup to the middle of nowhere.
• There's something ugly about a NEW bike on a trailer.
• Practice wrenching on your own bike.
• Never be ashamed to unlearn an old habit
• Maintenance is as much art as it is science.
• If you ride like there's no tomorrow - there won't be.
• Gray-haired riders don't get that way from pure luck
• There are drunk riders. There are old riders. There are NO old, drunk riders.
• No matter what marquee you ride, it's all the same wind.
• Only a Biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window.


got any to share??

[phil]

Q: whats the difference between a harley and a vacuum cleaner?

A: the position of the dirtbag.

[RatsMC]

I just wanted to say that I appreciate this thread. Unfortunately, I am about as funny as...well some sort of unfunny stuff so I don't have much to add but appreciate it all the same.


Wait, I had a joke about a woman, her husband, a coma and oral sex but I can't remember the punchline.

[phil]

3 bikers check into a motel.
the motel only has one room for $30.
so the men take the room and pay $10 each.

the night manager comes on and says:
the room does not cost $30 it costs $25.
so he sends the bell boy to return the $5.

the bell boy goes to the room and explains the mistake.
the 3 fellas thank the bell boy, take 1 dollar each and tip the bell boy $2.

so.....

with the refunded $1 each man has paid $9... 3 x 9 =27
and the bell boy has.........................$2 + 2
$27 + $2 = $29

WHERE IS THE MISSING DOLLAR?!


apparently stastically women are far more likely to get this.

[OZintheDesert]

actually, your missing dollar is incorporated into the original 25 as 3 doesn't go into 25 evenly.... 25/3 = 8 + 1/3
just getting in touch with my feminine side....

[jupiejupe]

WHERE IS THE MISSING DOLLAR?!

really, i am not even gonna answer this. (oh wait that's still an answer)

[phil]

well done oz youve won a make over and manicure at the spa of your choice.

your missing dollar is incorporated into the original 25

ive heard several different wordings of the answer and that actually sums it up in the least words...
no monthly nasty posts now...

[phil]

Dear Dr Krop,
I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

[RatsMC]

I was just thinking about the fact that this topic had slipped down the page.

Since I don't actually know any jokes, I thought I'd tell a story from my own stupid past that some of you might find amusing.

I was headed home about 4am going from downtown Oakland to West Oakland (California, USA). Headed up Mandela Parkway which, back then, wasn’t lit very well. Right at about 15th street or so, the road takes a slight jog to the right. It also has a center island and the associated curb that goes with such center islands. This also happened to be one of the not-very-well-lit sections, by this I mean that there was no streetlight at all. Since it was pitch black, I couldn’t see the jog in the road and hit the curb at speed. I didn’t see it coming, I was just riding along and then suddenly I was lying on the ground in the center island. Fortunately, the ground was covered in soft redwood shavings so I wasn’t hurt and the bike was fine – except for the bent rim and associated flat tire.

That is all normal moto crash stuff. This is the embarrassing part.

I figure I’ll get the bike up and see if I can limp it the three blocks to the house I had just moved into.

I couldn’t pick it up.

The redwood shavings were very soft – the characteristic that made my landing as pleasant as it could be was also the characteristic that kept the tires from grabbing so when I tried to pick it up it would just slide out again.

So, there I am, in the middle of West Oakland in the middle of the night and there is no one around. No one saw me hit the ground but there was no one to help pick it up either. I keep trying for about ten minutes until I am completely exhausted and out of ideas.

Then suddenly the oldest man in the world appears out of nowhere pushing a shopping cart full of cans. He asks if I need help. Looking at him, I could barely understand how he was able to walk without support but I am out of ideas and it is f*ing late so I tell him yeah, I could.

The oldest man in the world picks it up in one go.

I barely even touched it. Me, the biker saved by the brute strength of a little old man.

[phil]

LOL rats, there is a saying that goes 'Pride goes before a fall' though on that occasion it sounds like before, during, and after the fall!!
you should of made the old fella crash the bike and try again!you know, on principal..
i have heard it said that if you crash in front of women you should repeat the manover another 3 or 4 times to convince them you meant to do it.

how about this one to push the boundaries of decorum, good taste and political correctness...

what should every battered wife do upon leaving the hospital??

the effing dishes if she knows whats good for her!!

[jupiejupe]

LOL rats, there is a saying that goes 'Pride goes before a fall' though on that occasion it sounds like before, during, and after the fall!!
you should of made the old fella crash the bike and try again!you know, on principal..
i have heard it said that if you crash in front of women you should repeat the manover another 3 or 4 times to convince them you meant to do it.

how about this one to push the boundaries of decorum, good taste and political correctness...

what should every battered wife do upon leaving the hospital??

the effing dishes if she knows whats good for her!!

oh no you didn't





have to tell her twice did you

[phil]

what do you say to a woman with two black eyes??

nothing youve already told her twic.....hold on jupie youre stealing my punchlines!!..

[carty]

A couple from me;

Why do Harley riders have tassles on their jackets?

So they know they're moving.

-------------------------------------------
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise
and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur,
'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
------------------------------------------------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I
feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay
me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near
perfect.'
And then the fight started
-----------------------------------------------

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, 'Me feet are freezing cold, could you nip up the stairs and get me
slippers?'
'No bother,' he says, and he runs upstairs, where Paddy's two stunning
19 year old twin daughters are sitting on their beds.
'Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to sh*g ya both.'
'Fook off yer a liar!'.
'I'll prove it, so I will' Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, 'Both of them, Paddy?'
'Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?'
-----------------------------------------------

[phil]

Raced a Harley today

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really twisting sections of a canyon road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the curves have warning signs that say "15 MPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. Three corners later, I was on his fender. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and outpower me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.

My only hope was to outbrake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up.

Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the canyon and I had preserved the proud tradition of one of the best bits of britiron.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedalled so hard in my life. And some of the credit must go to Raleigh cycles, as well. They really make a great bicycle...
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Q: What's the cheapest thing on a BMW Motorcycle?
A: The rider
(Considering the cost of BMW parts, this joke does not reflect poorly on the rider Dr Krop )


Q: How can you tell that a BMW rider and his passenger are just dating?
A: Their jackets don't match yet!
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
What's the most dangerous part on a motorcycle?

The nut that connects the seat to the handlebar.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Harley Definition:

The most efficient way to convert gasoline into noise without the annoying side effect of horsepower.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Why was the Harley rider so shocked to find a pack of condoms in his 15 year old daughters bed room?

He didn't know she had a c_ck!

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

[phil]

I'm doing some renovations around the house so I called the city officials to see if could have a skip outside my house for a day....
'You can cartwheel round the block for a week for all we care' came the reply.
_________________________________________________________________________________________

What's the difference between a cowboy and a cowgirl?

One has a prairie-hat...
the other a hairy prat...

[phil]

I recieved a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning.
She called "out-of-the-blue" to see if i was still around.
We lost track of time chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
Wow! I was amazed!
"I dont know if I could keep pace with you now" I said " I'm a bit older and a bit balder and greyer than when you last saw saw me. Plus, I dont really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure i would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah" I said "Just as long as you dont mind a waistline thats a few inches wider these days. Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone. Everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I've got more chins than a chinese phone directory!"
She laughed and told me to stop being silly, teasing me by saying that chunky, balding, grey haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I'd still be a great lover.
"Anyway", she giggled and said "I've put on a few pounds myself."
So i told her to f@ck off!!

[Albert]

How to survive with women - treat them like your car!

Lift up the front and have a good hard look.
Check the spare tyre and any handles.
Make sure the top can come down and look good in the summer.
Are the bodywork and lines to your liking?

Ensure it responds well when you are in the driving seat.
Fit a child lock.
Make sure any unusual noises can be safely ignored.
Ensure sole ownership.

If possible test drive several times before committing to ownership.
Make sure there is a proper response when you put your foot down --
-- and that it is easy to control!

Ensure that no joy rider can get their hands on it.
See if the coil needs replacing.
Watch out for any nasty emissions.

Keep all leather accessories in order.
For your own safety never attempt to handle when drunk.
Never let your friends have a go!

German models -- tend to be solid, steady runners, not ideal for frequent, brief usage.

Italian models -- very responsive but change hands often and often make worrying noises.

American models -- tend to consume excessive amounts of fuel.

British models -- especially the attractive ones, are hard to find and expensive to maintain.

Swedish models -- usually versatile and safe.

Japanese models -- mass produced and reliable, but very common and often unattractive.

French models -- easy to come by but frequently disappointing.

[phil]

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.

5. It's important to have a woman who loves motorcycle riding and racing.

6. It's very, very important that these five women
do not know each other.

[phil]

I've just read in the newspaper a miget was pick pocketed while on vacation..
..How could anybody stoop so low!?!?

[Albert]

Not a Biker joke but pretty damned accurate considering the things that are happening at the moment in the company I work for!

THE PLAN.

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, “It is a crock of sh*t and it stinks.”
And the Workers went to their Supervisors and said, “It is a pail of dung, and we cannot live with the smell!”
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it’s strength!”
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it’s strength!”
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong!”
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful!”
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President saying unto Him, “This new Plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the Company with very powerful effects!”
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good!
And the Plan became Policy!
And this is how sh*t happens!

[carty]

Sorry guys, this has nothing to do with biking but I thought it was brilliant!

--------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter..............

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love, Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

[Albert]

Sorry guys, this has nothing to do with biking but I thought it was brilliant!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

---- and on a completely different note -- also totally unconnected with biking ---

Received from a friend at work ---

5 signs that you may be a Taliban.

1. You have more wives than teeth.
2. You own a £5,000 rocket launcher but can't afford shoes.
3. You refine Heroin but have a moral objection to beer.
4. You think that vest come in 2 styles : Bullet proof and Suicide.
----- and most significantly --
5. You wipe your ar*e with your bare hand but consider Bacon to be unclean!


Note to Admin - if you consider that this might offend some of our members/readers then please feel free to remove it!

[carty]

Personally I find that to be a funny joke and would hope that everyone find it funny! It is Christmas after all! (maybe I'm missing something about Taliban beliefs!)

Cheers,
Matt

[Albert]

Not in the slightest bit is this Biker related -- but it made me chuckle ----



An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have some fun, so he says to the Welshman....."Can I talk to your dog?"

Welshman: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git"

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?

Dog: "Doin' alright mate"

Welshman: (Look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play"

Welshman: (Look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Welshman: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.....I think"

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Welshman: (Absolutely dumfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the bad weather"

Welshman: (Total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Welshman: (panic stricken!) "The sheep's a LIAR!"

[phil]

this isnt a joke but its pure comedy never-the-less..
taken from a matchless 350 owners manual...
http://ukmonster.co.uk/monster/showthread.php?t=30366.