biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

[phil]

A SHORT LOVE STORY


A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f*cking blanket.'
After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.
The End.

[Albert]

A little boy asks his Father, “Dad, what’s a Trans sexual?”
His father replies, “Ask your Mother, he’ll know!”

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Two old ladies meet up in town for a coffee. The first one asks, “Did you come on the bus?”
Her friend says, “Yes, but I managed to make it look like an asthma attack!”

[phil]

Donald Rumsfeld and George W. Bush are chatting over breakfast.
"Bad news im afraid George" says Rumsfeld
"Three Brazilian soliders were killed in Iraq last night"
"Three Brazilian!" exclaims Bush
"How many is that exactly!"


Some guy found a monkey roaming around alone on the street.
He took the monkey to a coupla cops who were in their car parked to the side, and asked them what he should do with the monkey.
The cops advised him 'take it to the zoo'
The next day the two cops were patroling the same area. They saw the same man still walking with the monkey.
They approached the man and told him "I thought we told you to take the monkey to the zoo?"
To which the guy replied: "yeh, I did - and we had so much fun!"


A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.
A Gamekeeper shouts, "Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's fu' ae coo's shite an pish!"
The man replies, "My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me."
The keeper replies, "I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!!!"


Whats the difference between sex and anal sex?
One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak!

Whats the difference between an egg and a wank?
You can beat an egg.


Why doesnt Mike Tyson have a playstation?
Because hes an ex-boxer.

Whats the fastest thing on land?
Stevie Wonders speedboat.

[phil]

Why does actor Edward Woodward spell his name with four 'D's?
He got sick of being called E-war Woo-war.

[phil]

A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder
On Michael Jackson's Death...
....... .. ... ... .. .....
.. . . ... . . . . . .. . .. .... .. .. . ... ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ..... .. ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . ... .... . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
...... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. ... ..
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....
Deep stuff, eh?
I nearly cried when he said ". .. . . . .. .. ... .. .. . . .... ...."

[Albert]

Sad to say that this one is unashamedly stolen from the UK paper - The Daily Star! SORRY!

A class of 8 year olds are sitting with their teacher when she makes the comment, "The human being is the only creature that stutters!"
A little girl holds up her hand and says, "Please Miss - my kitten used to stutter!"
Sensing a potential story unfolding the Teacher says, "How did your kitten stutter Claire?"
The little girl replied, "Me and my kitten were in the garden yesterday when the Rottweiller from next door jumped over the fence and ran towards me and my kitten. My kitten stood up and arched his back and went -- Ffff -- Ffff -- Ffff -- but before he could say "F*ck" the Rotweiller ate him!"

SORRY -- but it made me laugh! Sad huh!




I sooooo need to get out more!

[Albert]

Do Pygmy prostitutes sell themselves short?

[phil]

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.'
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear had his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, ' That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.'
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death.
So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'

[phil]

Employee(on telephone): Sorry Boss I can't come in today I'm sick.
Employer: How sick are you?
Employee: I'm in bed with my sister!

[phil]

what do fat people do in summer?
stink!

(i recently told that joke and it was overheard by an individual of larger proportions, angrily this individual informed me they dispised bigotry in all forms and accused me of being 'fat-ist'!
no, no i replied, youre fattest!)

[phil]

Mick and Paddy are walking down a country lane when Mick see's a grave-stone.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"


Paddy says "What's his name ?"


Mick replies "Miles, from London!"

[phil]

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to
the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going..

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak...

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[phil]

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

'Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:




'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

[Albert]

5 men in an Audi Quattro are pulled over at a Police checkpoint. The Constable tells them that it’s illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro because Quattro means “four.”
The driver argues with him that Quattro is just the name of the car but gets nowhere with his argument.
Eventually he demands to see the Officer in charge saying, “Maybe we’ll get more sense out of him!”
“Sorry,” the Constable replies, “You’ll have to wait a while, he’s busy dealing with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno!”

[phil]

What do hillbillies do at halloween?
....
....
....
....
Pump-kin.

[phil]

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey be very careful when you drive the ball-don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses!
Alright let's go up there, apologize, and see how much that's going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side on the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke the window? " "Uh yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK great!" the husband said.
"I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I have been trapped in that bottle, I havn't made love to a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it would be alright. "
The genie took the wife upstairs, and they made love for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies??? That's amazing!"

[motomania]

What do hillbillies do at halloween?
....
....
....
....
Pump-kin.

Padumpdump

[phil]

A man walking down the street see's a leprachaun with his head between his legs.
Intriged he asks "are you a goblin?"
"No" says the leprachaun "I've got a head-ache."

[phil]

I have just had a call from a Charity, asking me to donate some of my old clothes to starving Africans.



I told them to F#*k off!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes is not starving!!

[phil]

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!!
'
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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says 'To hell with this!' and storms off..
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden. Lets see how they like it!'

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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay.
Paddy drives past & stops.
He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick twits like you that give us Irish a bad name!
I'd come over there and kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!'

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[phil]

Explaining Flags

A Norwegian was explaining the red, white, and blue Norwegian flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"

[phil]

A boy was playing with himself in the bathtub when his father walked in and said, “Son, if you don't stop doing that, you'll go blind.”
The boy said, “Dad, I'm over here.”

.............................................................................................................................................................

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?

A: Dill dough
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Two neighbors, John and Sam, are always competing.

One day John looks over the fence and spies Sam's wife, naked, watering the garden. When Sam gets home from work, John brags to him that he's seen his wife naked.

Sam wants revenge, so that night creeps over to John's yard and catches sight of John's wife performing oral sex.

The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. "Hey, I saw your wife performing oral sex on you last night."

"Ha ha, the joke's on you," John says, "I wasn't home last night!"
...........................................................................................................................................................
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Californians don't screw in light bulbs they screw in hot tubs.
...........................................................................................................................................................
Q: What do Eskimos and Tupperware have in common?

A: They both like a tight seal.
...........................................................................................................................................................

[phil]

Q: How do you get down from a horse?
..........
........
......
....
..
A: You dont get down from a horse you get down from a goose.

[phil]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[TwoStroke Institute]

Yesterday the 2 lesbian's next door gave me a Rolex, I don't think they undestood when I said I wanted to watch.........................