biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

[Albert]

A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and, with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years. You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said, and he left the agent's office.

Five years later the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope were a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck. Who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood & you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

[Albert]

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath. The woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire ......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said..
So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself.."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

[Faster1]

proof that comedy can also be painful



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,,on a personal note,, Merry Christmas/Happy Hanuka/quanza/festivous/(insert your celebration here),, to all fellow GP forum addicts

[phil]

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some weirdo in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."
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Remember – drinking alcohol can seriously harm your baby.

Especially if you’re in Portugal and can't be arsed to pay for a babysitter.

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A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms.

"Congratulations," she says. "It's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin.

"My baby!" screams the mother.

"Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse.

However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window.

"What are you doing?!" yells the mother.

"Just kidding!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!"
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Statistics say women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms for the relationship.
Men say, "Big f*cking deal, try faking a relationship just for the shag!"
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We are always told we should look after and keep an eye on our old neighbours.
Why the f*ck should we?
My 87 year old neighbour is such a lazy bitch, she hasn't even taken her newspapers in for two weeks.

[phil]

(here are three replies to visordown.com's caption competition that made me laugh out loud!)

i never thought id be able to fit his arm all the way.

And with my next fart, I shall create a model of the Goodyear airship...

worst case of piles I've ever seen...

or my best...

run, jump, skip and play...not a chance!

[Albert]

Seeing that the Pantomime season is upon us here's one to dwell on!

The late and lamented Ronnie Barker actually told this tale on the BBC & not one single complaint was registered!
If you are easily offended then stop reading after the first paragraph!



This is the story of Rindercella the dyslexic princess and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.



Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.


The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly..
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

[phil]

nice one albert, i was in stucking fitches!!

[phil]

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think "I'm fucking having that!"


A wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
The boy replies "No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."

[phil]

Wha's the best way to lose 30lbs of ugly unwanted fat?...
.....
....
...
..
Chop yer head off!

[phil]

Last night I dreamt I was the author of 'The Lord of the Rings'...
.....
....
...
..
I was Tolkien in my sleep.

[phil]

A lady in a library wants a book on euphemisms. So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.


How do you get a fat girl into bed?
Piece of cake.


I met a 14-year-old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, sexy and flirty, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover cop. How cool is that at her age?


A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.
"What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demands. "What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
"You keep out of this!" she yells. "I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!"



My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh. It was so realistic if you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean.


My girlfriend pulled up a chair recently and said to me, “I think it’s about time we discussed the future.”
I said, “Yeah, it’s gonna be mental – we’ll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!”
I’m now single.



I saw Lee ‘The Bionic Man’ Majors the other day...
He looked a million dollars.
He’s really let himself go.



What does Tehran have in common with Hiroshima?
Nothing.
Yet.


What’s the difference between Brittany Spears and your bike?
You don’t burst out laughing every time your bike has a breakdown.

[phil]

Just seen a Hatian woman and her daughter being interviewed on tv, she said "God saved me"
presumably this is a different god from the one that tried to kill her in the first place.

Is it too early to start with the haitian jokes? Or should we let the dust settle!?

[Albert]

This guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one..

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say a gain, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I' ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."


With age comes wisdom. -------------------- (sometimes)

[phil]

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.
"Can you describe the symptoms?" asked the doctor.
"Sure... Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair.."


While we were BBQing last summer my girlfriend happened to mention she'd always wanted decking on the patio.
So I punched her in the face...
...There's no pleasing some people!!

[Albert]

How do you turn a Fox into a Rottweiler?

Marry her!

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What's the difference between a Whore and a Bitch?

A Whore sleeps with everyone at a party and a Bitch sleeps with everyone but you!

[phil]

Walking through a graveyard the other day I saw a man squatting behind a grave.
"Morning" I said.
"Naargh" replied the man "just having a quick shit."

[phil]

One day Johnny peaks into his parents bedroom and sees his Dad giving it to his Mum whilst she's bent over the dresser.
His Dad see's him and gives a wink as Johnny closes the door.
After he finishes dad goes to check on Johnny.
He goes into Johnnys bedroom and see's Grandma bent over the dresser with Johnny hanging out of the back of her.
Dad yells at Johnny 'what the hell are you doing son?!!'
Johnny replies 'it's not so funny when it's your mum is it?'

[phil]

Found a way to stop the wife sucking her thumb ...
I drew a cock on it.


Whats the difference between a ginger girl's pussy and a cricket ball?
If you tried REALLY REALLY hard you could eat a cricket ball!


I single handedly kicked the shit out of 4 skinheads who were looking at me funny today...
Turned out they were blind leukaemia patients but hay, a win's a win.


MSN News : 'Woman badly hurt in oz shark attack'
I could understand if it weighed a ton, but an oz???


BBC News - "Huge waves hit Hawaii surf contest." I'm no expert...
...but I thought that's what surfers were always looking for?

[Albert]

A woman goes to the Doctor to complain about the side effect of the testosterone pills that he's prescribed for her.
"Are you sure that you've got the dosage correct Doctor?" she asks. "It's just that I'm growing hair in places where I've never had it grow before!"
"Don't worry" says the Doctor, "A little hair growth is to be expected in some circumstances. Where exactly is it?"

"On my balls" she replies!

[phil]

[phil]

Ever since singer Susan Boyle (who professes being a virgin) has been on TV, there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings.
Apparently, many of the terrorists didn't realize what a virgin looked like.

[Albert]

Murphy limps into his favorite pub...

My God! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Murphy as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley", whispered Murphy to the bartender.

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeeper said, surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," said Murphy, "and a shovel it was."

"Dear Lord, didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did, t'was Mrs. Riley's right tit -- and a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

[motomania]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

[phil]

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[phil]

A bloke goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse"
"How's that?"
"Don't you start?"

Doctor, what can I do? Everybody thinks I’m a liar?
I find that very hard to believe!


Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a bridge?
What’s came over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor, I think I’m god?
How did that start?
Well, in the beginning there was darkness………


A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you???"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that . . . ."

A doctor finishes his examination of a woman, takes the husband aside and says, "I really don't like the look of your wife"
"Me neither doc," replies the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

Doctor: "Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure you have an abnormal convex curvature of the thoracic vertebrae."