biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby TwoStroke Institute on Fri Dec 03, 2010 4:20 pm

phil wrote:
A man walks into a sex shop and asks the guy behind the counter, "have you got an inflatable doll?"
"yes" replies the owner, "male or female?"
"female of course"
"black or white?" is the owners next question
"well, white i suppose"
"Christian or muslim?"
"now what's religion got to do with it?" replies the customer
"well" says the owner "the muslim ones blow themselves up!"


Not a joke but as a leaving present we(I) decided he needed a blow up doll for a present,however it was down to me to source the said item. With the Yellow pages in I started the ring around.I found that I could keep a straight face when asking questions like.....

"Could you tell me about the features and benefits of that model?"
" Which would you recommend?"
" Do they have a waranty"
" What's the average useful life span of the doll"
" What's the best way to clean and store it"
"Is there a repair kit for punctures and air leaks?"
To their credit most shop assistants tried to answer the questions truthfully and while not laughing, however most broke when I added this line

"Naturaly I'm buying this for a friend he's a little shy about it all"

:D
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby phil on Sat Dec 04, 2010 4:30 am

Did you try it for him...
;)
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby Albert on Mon Dec 06, 2010 10:49 am

Today's word is ................. Fluctuations.


I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
I believe I'm growing sceptical of cynicism!
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby TwoStroke Institute on Thu Dec 09, 2010 11:52 am

phil wrote:Did you try it for him...
;)

No I didn't have the honour of breaking her pvc hymen.............. :o (I'll get me coat)
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby Cam D on Wed Dec 15, 2010 9:30 am

A mate of mine said he's rooting twins. I asked how he could tell them apart? He said it was easy... Angela has long straight black hair and Trevor has a cock.... :D
Yamaha... Japanese for "Two dog's - One steak"- Japh the wise.
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby Cam D on Wed Dec 15, 2010 9:31 am

Say what you want about paedophiles, at least they drive slowly past schools ....
Yamaha... Japanese for "Two dog's - One steak"- Japh the wise.
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby JanBros on Fri Dec 17, 2010 1:57 am

Did you know Moroccans invented the condom ?

They used goat's bowel for this.

It's only much later, arround 1880, that the Brittish refined this technic further by taking the bowel out off the goat first :idea:
if it runs, you can race it !
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby Albert on Wed Dec 29, 2010 10:11 pm

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Rather embarrassed, and in an attempt to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry, that was just an insect."

The boys replies "I'm surprised it managed to get off the ground with a c*ck like that!"
I believe I'm growing sceptical of cynicism!
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby Richo on Sat Jan 01, 2011 10:12 am

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby phil on Wed Jan 05, 2011 7:45 pm

Drunk observations

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied,"Cause you're ugly."
(drag mouse over punchline to reveal.)
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby phil on Tue Jan 11, 2011 2:01 am

What do you do if someone has an epileptic fit while taking a bath??
....
...
..
.
Throw some detergent and your washing in!!

I recently told this joke in a bar and was confronted by an angry man who advised me not to make light of such things as his son had recently died while having a fit in the bath.
"Sorry mate" I stammered out "that's terrible!"
"Yes" the man reflected sadly, "he choked on a sock!"
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby phil on Fri Jan 14, 2011 3:52 am

I farted in a lift today.

It was wrong on so many levels.
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby Albert on Sat Jan 15, 2011 9:48 pm

Courtesy of an old friend - a few one liners!

I thought I'd be a gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady, two minutes later she said "Will you sod off I'm trying to have a sh*t!!".

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBO beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove.

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol, police say it’s definitely race related.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.


The lead actor in the local production of Aladdin was anally raped, by the gay genie on stage last night. To be fair, the audience did try to warn him.
I believe I'm growing sceptical of cynicism!
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby TwoStroke Institute on Mon Jan 17, 2011 12:40 pm

I was walking down the street and there was a man standing in front of a ATM ,with no arms and only 1 leg grasping a handicard between his teeth. He jerked his head back motioning be to come over. Being the type to always pitch in and help I rushed over.
"Excuse me mate , but do you mind checking my balance?"
"Sure" I said as I give him a shoulder charge while walking off................................................
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby phil on Fri Jan 28, 2011 3:15 pm

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless so I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby motomania on Tue Feb 01, 2011 2:48 am

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was and she said to her husband "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm and let it go in the morning?"

He says "O.K.Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover but the skunk she used to beat the shit out of him died at the scene.
Talking about Laguna Seca . . . "I mean, everywhere's
pretty fun. Turn 1's, like I said, that scary, draws
your nut-sack up in your stomach fun."
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby phil on Wed Feb 02, 2011 8:54 pm

Why did the bakers hands smell funny?
.....
....
...
..
.
He kneaded a shit.
(drag mouse over punchline.)
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby OZintheDesert on Fri Feb 04, 2011 2:23 pm

What did the 14 year old girl from <insert suburb/town/region containing large population of white trash here> say when she lost her virginity?

"Get off me dad, you're crushing my Marlboro's"

And....

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.”

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
I love riding. But not in Libya.
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby JanBros on Thu Feb 10, 2011 8:50 am

A forum member decides to go on holiday.
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.
The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum
of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,
"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor
made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.

She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?"

She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
.
.
.
.
.
.


"You've built a motorcycle work shop with machining facilities and spray booth"
if it runs, you can race it !
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby RatsMC on Thu Feb 10, 2011 10:22 am

JanBros wrote:"You've built a motorcycle work shop with machining facilities and spray booth"



Dammit, I told you my story in private and ask you not to share.





:lol:
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby phil on Thu Feb 10, 2011 1:19 pm

10/10 for than one Jan!
:lol:
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby motomania on Thu Feb 10, 2011 7:24 pm

Bravo!! Bravo!!
Talking about Laguna Seca . . . "I mean, everywhere's
pretty fun. Turn 1's, like I said, that scary, draws
your nut-sack up in your stomach fun."
- Ben Spies
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby TwoStroke Institute on Wed Feb 16, 2011 2:00 pm

If Jesus had ridden, he would have rode a two stroke
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby phil on Thu Feb 17, 2011 6:32 pm

Could YOU be living next door to a paedophile?

Not me! I live next door to two sexy ten year olds.




If I had a pound for every time I had to go shopping with the missus...

I would be able to get us a trolley instead of walking round like a prick with a weeks worth of shopping in a basket.
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Re: biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

Postby phil on Sun Mar 06, 2011 7:43 pm

How do you make a dead baby float??

Two scoops of ice cream, two scoops of dead baby.
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