biker jokes...bad language...questionable taste..

[WayneG]

A big bearded bikie rolls up to the pub on his Harley with a tiny poodle on the tank.
He says to his mate "see what I got for the missus?"
His mate says "good swap."

[Albert]

Texting for Seniors!

The kids all have their little text codes like BFF, WTF, LOL etc.
Just recently I came across some codes designed for the Seniors!

ATD –-- At The Doctors!
BFF –-- Best Friend's Funeral.
BTW --– Bring The Wheelchair.
FWIW –-- Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL –-- Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low.
GHA –-- Got Heartburn Again!
HGBM –-- Had Good Bowel Movement!
IMHO –-- Is My Hearing aid On?
TTYL –-- Talk To You Louder!
WAITT –-- Who Am I Talking To?
GGLKI –-- Gotta Go Laxative Kicking In!

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A little girl goes into a pet shop and asks, “Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?”
The shopkeeper's heart just melts.
He kneels down next to her and says, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fwuffy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like the widdle bwown wabbit over there?”
She blushes, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says gently, “Actually I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk!”

[Albert]

[JanBros]

it Seems even Google has given up on Rossi and the Ducati

[phil]

Man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for years. He breaks
into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in
bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.


While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of
her kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably
spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.....do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be
strong, honey. I love you!'


His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too”...!!

[Albert]

Paddy hates his wife's cat so much that he drives to the next town and dumps it.
When he gets back home the cat's sitting there!
The next day he drives 50 miles out into the country and dumps it there.
When he gets home it's sitting there again!
The next day he drives across to the other side of the country and dumps it!
6 Hours later he rings home and asks his wife, “Is the cat home?”
“Yes it is” she replies, “why?”
“Put the bloody thing on the phone will you, I'm fu**ing lost!”

[TwoStroke Institute]

What was Amy Winehouse's biggest hit?

Her last

What will Elton John will sing at Amy Winehouse's funeral?

A moving rendition of "Candle under the Spoon"

Did you see McDonald's has a new Amy Winehouse meal deal on the menu?

No burger, No chips just lots of coke and ice

[phil]

It's the British way to laugh in the face of adversity...so here goes...

Amy Winehouse gets to the pearly gates which St. Peter opens revealing Micheal Jackson.
"Wow" says Amy "Micheal Jackson!"
"Are you hear to greet me in recognition of my musical talent?"
Micheal replies "who the hell are you, I'm waiting for some Norwegian kids!"

[Albert]

It's the British way to laugh in the face of adversity...so here goes...

Taking a leaf out of Phil's book --- (and I apologise if it offends your sensibilities!)

Ngongo Mwabi has to travel 5 miles everyday for fresh water and 7 miles for food -------

------- this is because the daft b'stard torched the Peckham branch of Spar and the Tottenham branch of KFC and now has to walk to Croydon for breakfast!

Ironically, in 1 year's time hundreds of coloured people will be running about in London trying to take Gold, Silver and Bronze --

-- and it will all be started with the single shot of a pistol!

[phil]

Here's a practical joke a Belgian mate played on a mate of his..
The old bagged helmet switch trick.
His mate takes it remarkably well, if someone dropped my brand new helmet I'd be calling them all the dirty dogs under the sun!
Check out his on board footage at zolda, the lad can do it.

[JanBros]

funny video, from a Moto-Journal journalist about a MotoGP-taxi, but only if you understand frensh
but decided to post it anyway, as there is a variety of nationalities here :

http://www.moto-journal.tv/tests-a-la-con/mj-a-teste-pour-vous-moto-taxi

[phil]

I've been saying this for years...

[Albert]

With hindsight I really should have posted my Facebook status as "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just f*cked a 14 year old Escort!"

Still, the Police saw the funny side -- Eventually!!

[phil]

I told a girl she was fat last night.
She burst into tears and said "Tell me something I don't know".
So I said "Salad tastes really nice..."

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

Bloke trolls dating site...funny!

[Cam D]

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid."
That way you wouldn't rely on them. Would you? You wouldn't ask them anything.
It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, n ever mind. Didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and
there was a Crown truck in our driveway. My neighbour comes over and says "Hey, you moving?"
"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see
how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a mate of mine, we pulled
his boat up onto the ramp, I lifted up these big snapper and this idiot on
the ramp goes, "Hey, you catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel.
There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's o nly one way to test it.
"Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you
to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite
you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it".

Last time I had a flat tyre, I pulled my car into a petrol station.
The attendant walks out, looks at my car, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tyre go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, only on the bottom.
Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to
the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Shit, that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you
know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning. OK no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said
"Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. "Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today? Send this to all your friends.
The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign
is.

[Cam D]

I told a girl she was fat last night.
She burst into tears and said "Tell me something I don't know".
So I said "Salad tastes really nice..."

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

Bloke trolls dating site...funny!

Christ Phil... I had tears running down my face I was laughing so hard! The drawings that guy did of the different women are awesome... and he's bloody good! Thanks for that mate.

[JanBros]

to funny

[phil]

Christ Phil... I had tears running down my face I was laughing so hard! The drawings that guy did of the different women are awesome... and he's bloody good! Thanks for that mate.

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Yesterday while I had my mistress bent over the kitchen table we heard keys rattling in the front door.
"Christ! it's my husband" she said "Quick...take the back door!"
Looking back I should of ran, but's it's not everyday you get an invitation like that!

[WayneG]

Two dogs are talking in a vet's waiting room. The 1st dog asks the 2nd what he is there for. He tells him that he got into his owners grocery bags and ripped everything to pieces and created an unholy mess, so his owner had decided to have him put down.
"So, he says, what are you here for?" "Well, this morning my mistress was in the kitchen in a sexy little nightie. She bent over to get something out of the cupboard and I couldn't help myself, I mounted her from behind". "So you're here to get put down too then?" "No I'm here to get my nails clipped."

[TwoStroke Institute]

http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/ws/eBayISAPI ... 0661865928

[Gustav O]

http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=150661865928

Is that yours?

[TwoStroke Institute]

MY 5 yr old daughter loved it.............................. Imagine matching leathers

[Gustav O]

MY 5 yr old daughter loved it.............................. Imagine matching leathers

My daughter would love it as well - maybe it is not pink enough though...

[TwoStroke Institute]

Can things ever be pink enough for little girls?

[Gustav O]

Can things ever be pink enough for little girls?

Very good question...